A Special Day

Today is Ken’s birthday.  He would have been 58.  How tortured he must have been that he could no longer live in this world.  It’s been three years since he decided to take his life.  The world seems so empty on these special days.


“How Not to Die”

The book arrived from Amazon Sunday.  “How Not to Die” by Michael Greger, M.D.  My favorite topic: health and nutrition.   Dr. Greger presents scientific evidence that a plant based diet will not only prevent disease, but also reverse it.  He shows what to eat for specific diseases and he gives a checklist of foods we should eat every day, which he calls ‘the daily dozen.’

Convinced that food is the best medicine for healing, I’ve been collecting a library of books on the subject for years.  Two of my favorite experts are Dr. Dean Ornish and Dr. Weil.   I’ve followed the DASH diet, Paelo and Gaps.  I have shelves and shelves of books on Hashimoto’s, hypothyroidism, diabetes, heart disease, and a large mix of others on general health.  I acquired two degrees in nursing and became a nurse practitioner.  I’ve combed the internet and collected additional information.

I guess I’ve always been interested in how to be and stay healthy.  I was a sickly child.  Had scarlet fever, rheumatic fever, strep throats, pneumonia, and all the childhood diseases.   Rheumatic Fever left me with a mitral valve prolapse, and consequently, occasional paroxysmal atrial tachycardia.  I’ve had other problems as an adult.

I’m in my 90th year, and I’m still searching for ways to keep on living.  It’s been my main focus in life, while two of my sons chose to end theirs.

I wouldn’t say my adult life has been a happy one; far from it, yet, you’ll find me kicking and screaming all the way to the grave. I’ve made mistakes, have regrets.   I’ve closed the door on sorrow and love, lost faith and hope.  Yet, I jealously guard my right to occupy space in this world.  Why?  What do I have to live for?

I know there’s beauty in the world and I want to experience it before I die.  I want to feel again.  I want to do some good.  I want my existence, and all existence, to have meaning.   I want to accomplish what I was put in this world to accomplish.

One thing I do believe, without reservation, is the body’s ability to heal itself. Perhaps I can build on that and find my way once more to an open door.

Isn’t There a Better Solution?

I’m thinking about Lucy.  She’s 92, the mother of my ex-daughter-in-law.   She became my new friend after I reconnected with Donna, her daughter.  By phone.  She lives in Texas; I live in Missouri.  I love Donna dearly and I grew to love her mother.

After the divorce, Donna moved into Lucy’s home.  They were a loving, compatible couple, sharing work and recreation.  As Lucy grew older and acquired several ailments, she depended more and more on Donna to get things done.  Donna developed some serious medical problems of her own, but she continued struggling to shoulder the greater load of day-to-day tasks that kept them going.

On September 1, I called to wish Donna a happy birthday.  Lucy answered, said Donna was in bed.  I knew Donna had been having back pain for a long time.  I called the next night to see how she was doing.  Still in bed.  I asked Lucy if she needed help.  I begged her to call someone.  She said they were fine.  Next night I called again and found them both in bed.  I called Donna’s brother’s shop but no one answered.  I left a message that I thought someone should look in on them.  When I called the next day, Lucy said Donna was in ICU in a hospital in Dallas.

To make the story short: the paramedics found Donna cold and unresponsive.  They said she couldn’t have lasted another day.  They found she had a large stone in her only kidney.  Her urine had backed up  and she had developed sepsis.  She was air-lifted from the first hospital she was taken to to another one.  On a ventilator and a dialysis machine.  In very serious condition.  She’s been there since, ventilator and dialysis machine now removed, but still in serious condition.  They are not even talking about removing the stone yet because she isn’t strong enough and she still has the infection.

The family has decided that after Donna is released she will go to live with her son in Dallas and Lucy will be sent to a nursing home.

Lucy doesn’t know this yet.  It will kill her.  Literally.  As a nursing student, I worked in those places and I can’t tell you how many perfectly alert, fairly able folks I saw folded themselves up and died.    Your spirit dies first.  Then your body.

That is my own worst nightmare.  No one can know, until they live it, how very difficult it is to leave your comfortable, familiar surroundings to exist in a strange, sterile setting.

We who are old.  We can’t explain our need to hold onto what we know.  Our memories that are in everything that surrounds us.  It’s how we hold onto those we have lost.  How we hold onto ourselves.  When that goes, there’s nothing left.  No reason to go on.

I’ve seen online several rescue dogs who needed a new home because their owners had to go to such a place.  How very sad.  Not only for the dogs.  But for their owners.  Loosing not only their homes, their possessions, but their companions, in many cases, the only members of their family they have left, the loves of their lives.

I recall something Ken said to me days before he took his own life, “You’ll outlive us all.  You’re too stubborn to die.”   It hurt. I had given him so much.  I know I wasn’t a perfect parent.  I made some wrong decisions, some mistakes.  But they were honest mistakes, never coming from a place of meanness.

Yet, I knew that’s how Ken felt.  I know it’s how many folks feel.   Maybe even my one remaining son.  We oldsters, many of us know we’re seen as someone in the way, a nuisance, a drag to those whose lives are hectic and in a hurry.

Don’t we have a right to be here?  Haven’t many of us spent a greater part of our lives caring and sacrificing for our children?  Often giving more than we could afford?  Wanting the best for them?  Is this how we are to end our days?  Many of us dying alone in a barren room, lonely and forgotten?

Oh, dear Lucy, I wish I could help you.  But I am as alone as you are.  Just not quite so helpless.  At least, not yet.  Lord help me to hold on.



On a Mission

Trying to find gluten free food that meets all the other requirements of my condition is like searching for a jewel in the ocean.  I’m allergic to soy.  Sensitive to sugar.  Have to watch fat and salt because of hypertension.  Some foods that are gluten free aren’t marked.  Others contain one or more of those risky ingredients.   I’ve spent the past three days online doing research on processed foods.  I know whole untouched foods are better for everyone, but I can’t meet all nutrient requirements with just fresh veggies and fruit.  Grains must be processed.  And fat.

Some things that are okay on a gluten free diet aren’t on a thyroid or Hashimoto’s diet.  Some foods are not good for thyroid patients, for instance the cruciferous ones–cabbage, brussel sprouts, cauliflower, broccoli.  Some of my favorites.  Some say that if cooked, they are less toxic.  Others say don’t eat them at all.

I’m tired, discouraged and confused.    I think I’ll hang it up for the rest of today.  Look forward to watching “The Voice” on TV tonight.  I hit my head on the open door of the microwave last night and got a huge bump on the top of my head.  It’s sore today, but not as bad as it would have been if I hadn’t immediately cooled it with an ice pack.  Anyway, I’ll give it a rest, and start in on my search again tomorrow.

Hashimoto’s Thyroditis

Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis
September 18, 2014
At last I have a name for many of the physical problems that put me in a wheelchair and shrunk my world. Hashimoto’s thyroditis. My immune system is attacking my thyroid causing it to become underactive.
My fatigue, cold and numb hands and feet, dry scaly skin, muscle and joint aching and stiffness, weakness, depression, motion sickness, nausea, dizziness, high blood pressure, rheumatoid arthritis, and losing my hair are all probably caused by this disease.
My doctor doesn’t want to prescribe medication at this time because the side effects could worsen other problems I have, namely paroxismal atrial tachycardia and osteoarthritis. But I can do a lot with diet and supplements. I’m reading up on it now.
It took me six years to convince my doctor that something was wrong with me. He thought it was nothing but anxiety. I finally asked him to do a thyroid test, which he did.
I don’t like having this disease. But it’s good to finally know what’s wrong so I can fight it.
Really, I have much to be grateful for. I’m in pretty good shape for a woman in her late 80’s. I can still take care of myself. And my animals. I can see and hear and appreciate. I have my mind. And the sun still shines most of the time.

In the Dark

In the Dark
Days online researching natural ways to combat Hashimoto’s thyroiditis. Especially checking nutrition and diets. Thinking of going gluten-free. Have seen a lot of praise for the Paleo diet, but…….So much meat! I’m a semi-vegetarian. When I eat the flesh of another animal, it’s usually fish, sometimes chicken or turkey. And then I battle guilt and regret. So this is a big issue for me.
I’m worried about my condition. Wonder how far along this disease is. Looking back, it seems it must have started before I got married. Maybe in my teens. I have a vague memory of a doctor telling me my thyroid test was slightly abnormal and he wanted to watch it. It was a long time before I saw a doctor again, and I forgot about it. In those days, we saw a doctor only when we were sick.
But it doesn’t do any good to rehash the past. This is now. And I will deal with what the present hands me.